Mental Illness
by Pride Makara
Summary: "Hey motherfuckers, my name is Gamzee Makara, I'm 15 and have schizophrenia." Read about Gamzee's life, growing up with his older brother and best friends, how he coops with his past and makes it through the day. But remember this, not all stories have happy endings. /HumanStuck! AU! I'll just add warning in the chapters.
1. Welcome To My Life

**A/N: OKAY, I WANTED TO TRY SOMETHING EVEN NEWER. **

**SO READ AND ENJOY.  
**

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**CHAPTER ONE: Welcome To My Life**

Hey motherfuckers, my name is Gamzee Makara, I'm 15 and have schizophrenia. For you who don't know what that is, it's a mental illness that affects how a person thinks, acts, and behaves. The person finds it difficult to tell the difference between real and imagined experiences, to think logically, to express feelings, or to behave appropriately. I can hear voices that nobody else can hear, they tell me to do bad things and hurt people, sometimes I see things that aren't really there too.

Let me tell you a little about my family, I live with my older by 4 years brother Kurloz, he's a mute, but I love him all the same. My mom and dad died three years back, when I was 12. I have two best friends and they are the two coolest motherfuckers you'll ever meet, their names are Karkat Vantas and Sollux Captor. Karkat is also 15 and seems kind of mean, but when you need him, he'll be there. Sollux is 15 too and boarded line Bipolar, but is a really nice guy. Welcome to my life, would you like to know more? Well, if you do, read on and stick around, I'll tell you more about it.

I wake up with the sun shining on my face, another day, another fight. Today is Saturday, which means no school till Monday. Woot! I grin and get up, today Karkat, Sollux and I are going to hang out at Karkat's house. Shit will be motherfucking miraculous, probably buy a couple of pizzas, playing some video games, and watch a movie. I walk over to my closet and pull out a pair of jeans, a plain purple shirt and my favorite hoodie with my zodiac sign, Capricorn.

After I grab my clothes, I head to the shower, checking the time first. I set the water to a nice temperature, last time I really burnt my skin, never doing that again, and hop in. The water feels nice on my skin, I close my eyes and enjoy the feeling, forgetting that I pressed for time. After five minutes I grab my shampoo and wash my hair thoroughly, before rinsing it out. After getting all the shampoo out, I grab my body was and wash up. I stand there for another 5 minutes doing, before realising I had to be at Karkat's in 10 minutes.

"Motherfuck…"

I shut off the water and grab a towel, quickly I dry myself off and put on my boxers, looking into the mirror, I trace my finger lightly over one of the three scars on my face. I sigh and drop my hands, you're probably wondering how I got them, I don't feel like motherfucking talking about it. I grab my shirt and slip it on, along with my jeans and hoodie. Looking back into the mirror, I apply my paint and smile like the clown I am. Do you know who it feels? To make yourself something you aren't? But I made myself a clown, I'm in a cult and everything, just like my brother. Oh well, I guess I have to live with it.

Running down the stairs I see my brother, drinking coffee, he gives me a smile and waves at me.

"Hey, motherfucker! How did you sleep?"

He frowns at my language, I lived with him long enough to know he doesn't like me swearing, but he gives me the thumbs up. I grin.

"That's good brotha, I'm going to Karkat's now, okay?"

He nods and gives me a smile.

"Have a good day!"

I yell and run out the door, I jog down the sidewalk, I'm 15 minutes late.

"**BETTER START RUNNING!"**

I wince at the voice scream and start to run, this is the only time I'll listen to it, I promise! Karkat is going to be pissed, little guy needs to calm his tits. I'm only a block away and I can already hear Karkat yelling, "WHERE IS HE?"

I hope he doesn't yell at me, I already have a headache. I stop and walk up the path to his house, gulping I knock on the door. I hear screaming and Karkat throws open the door.

"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR TWENTY MINUTE, YOU INGNORANT DOUCHE!"

I groan and mumbled back, "Sorry motherfucker, I woke up late."

He glares, but stops yelling, which I'm thankful for. He lets me in and we walk upstairs, I wave at his brother Kankri as we do so. We enter his room, where Sollux is sitting on the floor, humming a song I know. He looks at me and grins.

"Glad you can finally make it, Gz, Karkat wath flipping hith thit."

I forgot to mention Sollux had a small lisp. You barely notice it, barely… I grin back and sit next to him, Karkat grumbles and goes back downstairs, I turn to Sollux and hitch up a conversation.

"Yeah, sorry motherfucker. I woke up late, sleep is motherfucking full of miracles."

He laughs and shakes his head, I'm not lying, but at the same time not telling the truth. I have a lot of nightmares, but at least the voices are quiet when I sleep. I really wish I wasn't like this, sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind, they never go away, sometimes they'll be quiet, but not for long. I get scared, what if I hurt someone? What if it's someone I truly love? I wouldn't be able to live with myself, I think I'd die.

"Thomething wrong Gz?"

I blink and look up, Sollux and Karkat are giving me concerned looks. Fuck, I was crying a bit. I shake my head and wipe my eyes.

"Aw, sorry. I was lost in thought…"

They both exchanged glances.

"You sure? You know you can talk to us, if something is bugging you."

"Yeah, we're betht friendth, aren't we?"

I chuckle and nod, "Yeah, we are. Don't motherfucking worry about it, I'm fine."

They both look unsure, but shrug it off. I want to talk about it, but at the same time not. It's something I can't avoid, but can push off. A complicated thing to talk about and I don't think they be able to handle it, I trust these guys with my life, but cherish their lives to much to put any of my shit on them.

"Okay, let's watch a movie."

Sollux and I nod, it's Karkat's turn to pick a movie, RomComs here we come. He pops in a movie called, "Titanic" he says it's a classic, which I can believe, and the movie looks kind of old. It's based on a true story too.

"Hey kk, I thought thith wath a romantic tragedy?"

"It is, so shut up and fucking watch it!"

Sollux lets out a low growl, but we sit back, Sollux and I leaning against the bed, Karkat on top. I zone out after a few minutes. I always wonder what's with Karkat and romantic stuff, it's not very manly, but he does have a girlish figure… Not that I was motherfucking checking him out, okay? I mean he is good looking, but fuck, Sollux is too. Wait, wait, wait, shut up Gamzee.

"**Stupid MOTHERFUCKING idiot."**

Oh god, please, not now.

"**What's the matter? CAN'T HANDLE A CONVERSATION?"**

I can, but I don't feel like motherfucking talking to you.

"**hahahaha! WELL YOU'RE GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING TALK TO ME!"**

Just great, c'mon bro. Leave me alone for a while.

"**NOT A CHANCE!"**

Well, can't you be a little quieter? You're giving me a motherfucking fucking headache.

"**IS THE POOR BABY OKAY? If you just listen to me, I THINK IT WOULDN'T BE BAD!"**

I groan, clutching my head and yell, "MOTHER OF FUCK! STOP!"

Sollux and Karkat stare at me, both taken back by my sudden actions, concern and a tint of fear written on their faces. My face flushes as I look down.

"**You went and motherfucking blew it now."**

Shut up…

Surprisingly they listen. Karkat pauses the movie and both of them turn toward me. Just great, really motherfucking great, I should learn to grit my teeth and take it, but they were so MOTHERFUCKING LOUD! I couldn't take it… Karkat gulps and licks his lips, Sollux shifts uncomfortably.

"Gamzee… Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry bro… It was just kind of loud."

They both know I'm schizophrenic, they're my best friends, I had to tell them, it's not something you can hide.

"You mean **'them.'**"

I bite my lip and nod, "Don't worry about it bros, they shut up."

They both look at me unsure, so I give a reassuring smile, I wish I can get high, but Kurloz would be so disappointed. I just stopped a few months ago and since then, the voices and hallucinations have gotten worst, really motherfucking worst. Sollux and Karkat got me too, but it took a lot of work and I mean a lot! Getting high was the only way I knew how to coop with the voices, without it I can barely think, but when I was high I was barely thinking. My grades where low and now most of those years are a blur, not that I'm complaining, it got me through my parents death.

"Do you want to talk about it, Gz?"

I do, I truly do.

"Naw, it's alright bros. I got it. Honk!"

They both shake their heads at my clown antics. I grin, but then they give me serious looks, making my face drop and making me shut up.

"We're serious Gamzee."

"Yeah, you need to talk about thith and what can be better than talking with your betht friendth?"

I grit my teeth, anger boiling in the pit of my stomach.

"Don't shut us out, you idiotic clown."

"Yeah, now talk to uth."

I can't help it, I exploded.

"I CAN'T! Don't you get it? YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE! How can I talk to you, when you don't EVEN MOTHERFUCKING KNOW? SO, SHUT UP! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

They both have startled, hurt looks on their faces, but at the moment I can care less. I'm just to angry. I get up and run down stairs, grabbing my shoes I put them on, Kankri is giving me a confused look, I ignore him and open the door.

"GAMZEE!"

"GZ!"

I shake my head and run out, I just need to get away, I'll apologize for blowing up later, I just want to be alone right now.

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**A/N: WHAT DO YOU THINK? I KIND OF LIKE THIS, BUT BEFORE I GET DEEP INTO IT, I'M GOING TO TRY FINISH **_**WHERE DID ALL THE CHILDREN GO? **_**AND **_**A REASON.**_

**SO REVIEW, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK AND I'LL GET AROUND TO UPDATING THIS AFTER I'M DONE.**


	2. Mockingbird

**A/N! GOG FUCK! D: I OC'ED! I'M SO SORRY! Q_Q**

**BUT I NEEDED A LITTLE BABY'S SMILE!**

**AND I NOTICED SOMEONE SAID I HAD A LOT OF SPELLING MISTAKES. 0_0 I'M PRETTY SURE IS WAS WHEN SOLLUX WAS TALKING. xD I WAS TRYING TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE WAS TALKING IN A LISP! LIKE THIIIIIIIITHHHH! OKAY?**

**READ ON!**

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**Chapter 2: M****ockingbird**

I was foaming and I could barely control myself, my brother would still be at work, so I decide to go home. The walk was horrible, people stared and whispered to each other, I kept my fists clenched. A little girl about 6, with long brown hair, run up to me, she looked at me, with those big brown motherfucking eyes, filled with concern and curiosity.

"Hi! My name's Jaylynn! What's yours?"

I growled lowly and a small tear rolled down my cheek, she frowned.

"I'm sorry… Don't cry!"

I try swallowing the lump in my throat, Jaylynn tugged on my hand, tears welling up in her eyes, shit.

"S-Sorry, little sis. I'm not feeling to well."

"**FEELING LIKE CRAP, MOTHERFUCKER?"**

Shut up!

"I will make you feel better! And since you called me 'little sis,' I will call you big brother!"

She tugs my hand and pulls me along with her, wonder where her motherfucking parents are? Haven't they told her not to talk to strangers? Jaylynn stops and looks at me.

"Let's get ice cream!"

"I guess I'm paying?"

She giggled and pulled me to the ice cream stand, we wait in line, Jaylynn keeps yapping. Seriously, where is this little motherfuckers parents? I can't believe they let their little miracle run off. The line moves and we walk to the ice cream man, he gives us a 'delightful' smile, motherfucking pedophile, that's what he is. Jaylynn smiles back.

"What can I get you?"

"Chocolate! What about you, big brother?"

I look down at her and smile, shaking my head.

"I don't want any."

She frowns and nods, the man grabs a cone and drops an ice cream dump on it, haha, ice cream dump.

"**How immature."**

Fuck you!

Jaylynn grabs the ice cream and grins, I sigh and give the man a five dollar bill.

"Thank you!"

"You're welcome, little girl."

I grab Jaylynn's hand and pull her away from that guy, gives me the motherfucking creeps, we walk around and sit on a bench, Jaylynn's ice cream is more on her face than in her mouth, she looks at me and gives me the biggest motherfucking smile I ever seen.

"Thank you, big brother! This is fun."

I can't help, but smile.

"You're welcome."

She finishes her ice cream, I dig in my pocket and pull out a cloth.

"Come here."

She scoots over to me and I gently wipe her mouth, till it's as clean as when I first met her. She thanks me and yawns.

"Put your head on my lap, take a nap."

She does so and closes her eyes, "Sing to me, big brother?"

I nod and clear my throat.

"Hush little sis, don't you cry.

Big brother, Gamzee is gonna hold you through the night.

And if you asked me too.

Big brother is gonna buy you a mockingbird.

I won't let you get hurt.

Gonna buy you a diamond ring, maybe I'm crazy.

But pretty lady, close your eyes.

Sleep tight,

I'mma hold you through the night."

Jaylynn smiles softly and whispers, "I love you, big brother."

I smile, feeling a tug on my heart.

"Love you too."

It's surprising how much a little girl could steal your heart, I feel tears form at the rims of my eyes. I wipe the away and hear yelling, "Jaylynn!"

A woman and man run up to us, looking about mid-twenties, she lady leans down and scoops up my little miracle.

"W-Who are you?"

"I-I'm sorry, she ran up to me a while ago and I didn't know what to do! So I kept her with me, worried some creep would take her, my name's Gamzee Makara."

They both stare at me, I gulp, mother of fuck, I'm in trouble. The man smiles, "Thank you for looking after our daughter."

The lady nods in agreement.

"My name is Jason Cameron and this is my wife, Pam Cameron."

"Nice to meet you."

I smile, "Likewise motherfu—Ma'am."

Jay hands me a card, "Come by anytime."

They turn away and walk off, taking my little miracle with them, I sigh and look around. It's late, wonder what time it is… Slowly I walk home, Kurloz is probably home, I'm pretty sure Karkles and Solbro told him I took off today…Hopefully he isn't mad, it's hard to sit there and watch him make fast hand gestures, while glaring at me. Makes me really guilty, I shake my head and start running. If I'm lucky, I'll make it in five minutes.

I stop at the porch and catch my breath, looking up, I gulp and open the door slowly. Surprisingly, it's not locked. I keep my head down and shut the door quietly. I jump when someone coughs and look up, I meet the eyes of Karkat and Kurloz, the glasses of Sollux.

"For fuck sakes…"

I mumble and take my shoes off, nodding my hello.

"Gamzee, nice of you to finally get home."

"Yeah, gz. Wath getting worried about you."

Kurloz frowns and nods, I give them all a sheepish grin.

"Sorry motherfuckers! Was at the park."

"**ALL BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T HANDLE A CHIT CHAT!"**

SHUT THE FUCK UP! NOT NOW!

"**hahahaahAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**

I groan and clutch my head, Kurloz puts his hand on my shoulder. I look up at my brother, his frown deepens and I know he's worried. I swallow the lump in my throat and let me hands drop.

"Ha…Ha…Sorry, bro.."

He shakes his head and pulls me into a hug, here's the motherfucking thing… Kurloz and I, we barely hug, so it was hard for me NOT to cry. I wrapped my arms around his chest and bury my head in it. A small sob escapes me, I curse at my weakness.

"MOTHER OF FUCK! I'm so scared Kurloz… Bro."

I yell, he just hugs me tighter and rubs my back.

"Gamzee…"

I hear Sollux and Karkat whisper, I think I was tired. 'Cause that's where I passed out.

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**A/N: I FUCKED UP ON PAST TENSE AND PRETENSE. Q_Q **

**ANYWAY, HOPE YOU LIKED IT, DROP A REVIEW, MAYBE? NO? OKAY…**


	3. What Hurts The Most

**A/N: SURPRISE! Oh god! It's short, I'm sorry. ;_; Forgive me?**

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**Chapter 3: What Hurts The Most**

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I wake up in my bed, Kurloz must have moved me, my head is pounding and I think I might cry again, oh god.

"**BABY FINALLY WOKE UP!"**

Not now… Please.

"**not now? NOT NOW?"**

I whimper and curl up, why now? Of all motherfucking times… They bug me now?

"**HAD A GOOD SLEEP?"**

Not even close…

"**awww, WHY NOT?"**

Please, just stop…

"**not today, motherfucker."**

Why not?

"**BECAUSE, DON'T FEEL LIKE IT."**

Oh god…

I wait for a few minutes, hearing nothing I get up. The voices are gonna fuck me up later, I know it. Slowly I change and make my way downstairs. Being as quiet as I can be, I see Kurloz, Sollux, and Karkat sitting at the table. Karkat is talking, I listen closely.

"He's getting worst, I'm really worried. I don't know how much he can handle till he breaks, he could hurt someone or himself!"

"We know… Kk, but what can we do? We got him off weed, he refutheth to thee a doctor…"

A short pause, my heart is clenching.

"I know… I hate to say it, but I'm getting scared of him."

"Oh thank god, I'm not the only one."

A broken laugh is shared, I tear slides down my cheek, when did I start crying? They're scared of me! It fucking hurts… I wait a few minutes, trying to calm myself down until I walk out. They all turn and look at me, I don't look back. Going to the fridge I pull out a Faygo and drink that shit, it's full a miracles.

"Gamzee..?"

I sigh and turn to them , giving them a blank look, all they do is stare and it's kind of unnerving.

"Mother of fuck, quit staring, it's bugging me."

They all quickly look down.

"Thorry."

"Yeah… Sorry."

Kurloz tells me he's sorry in his own way, all I can do is give him a sad smile. My poor big brother… I sigh again and lean against the counter top, Karkat closes his eyes and opens them slowly.

"Gamzee, I… I think you should see a doctor—I'll come with you, I just—We just want to make sure you're okay."

I look down and mumble.

"Okay..."

"Please just thi—Wait… You will? Like no shit?"

He looks at me and gives me a hopeful grin, I give him a small smile back and nod. It seems like instantly they're all up and hugging me.

"Motherfucker, all up in the love here."

I gasp and laugh a bit, hugging back. I'm fucking scared, I'm not a person who likes going around doctors, they're full of death, no miracles there. The hug only lasts for a few seconds, before they pull away. Sollux and Karkat smile at me, Kurloz pats my back, I try to smile back, but it's not all there.

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You know what hurts the most? Being so close to someone, yet they seem so far away. I think that's me and my brother, no, I'm absolutely sure that's us. Not that I'd say anything, where the miracles in seeing his face all sad and shit? I hate sitting on the stairs in the morning and watching him walk away, heading off to work, with Solluxs' older brother Mituna. I have so much I want to say to Kurloz, but don't know how to say it. I sometimes wonder if things would be different if I just try and talk to him… I sigh and head upstairs,

Might as well mope around, Karkat is with Dave, Sollux is with Terezi… Wow… Where's my love? No love for a guy who's so fucked up in the head.

"**took you awhile to figure that out."**

SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP!

"**did i go and hit a nerve?"**

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!

"**you know just having this conversation with me makes you crazy."**

Oh my goooooood…

"**HAHAHAHAHAHA, he's not gonna help you here!"**

Something tells me this is gonna be a looooooong day, motherfucking perfect.


End file.
